radcrim's textdump.

You would wake up every day.. maybe before, or after you graduate and notice that you’ve passed your formative years, and it’s time to muster some form of competency in your every-day endeavors of having to open your eyes, inhaling and exhaling air, and having to do stuff every morning, every noon, every afternoon, every night, and then depending on the day self-loathing and misery would just wrap around you and your being either slowly, steadily, or just a blink of an eye. You feel angry at being where you are and you all you want to do is just wrap something warm, lush, like a fluffy heater blanket around you to just keep yourself sane for just a brief second, you want to hear someone scream into your ears how much of a whiny bitch you are and just get on with it but then you suddenly end up being scared, paranoid, and suddenly all you can do is want to close your eyes and fall asleep along with your blanket and for just a moment, finite or boundless, you want someone to walk up to you and embrace you because you feel lonely all the time. You feel like nobody likes you, you feel like you’re a waste of air and space, you feel like nobody needs you, you need people who don’t need you and it’s fine if you just blend yourself into naught and just go away. You want to love people but all they do is take it for granted or not take it in at all, and all you can do about it is to keep up your facade of self-assurance that you’re truly a genuine breathing human being who can experience qualia, who is capable of loving others in a visceral manner, and who can selflessly become one with the other, and makes their whole life trying to achieve a fruitless, tepid, dumb endeavor and all they can do when they go to bed, is mock themselves for being a fake, dull, nonsensical, pretentious, judgmental, mean, angry, sad, depressed, ironic, toxic pile of manure disguised as a human and is trying pathetically hard to become one themselves they become so conceited that they believe everything about this world is about them and they deserve all happiness because they think of it as transactional and that people can only deserve happiness as a form of exchanged commodity instead of something we ourselves innately but irrationally deserve, but it doesn’t matter because you are not a happy individual you always make something up to be regretful of you always make up something to be sad about you always make something to make others be sad about you can never feel genuine happiness you are a crybaby whiny sad fuck who… owns and writes your corny thoughts pompously online whilst playing some nice, nice, sounding tunes made by this band full of screaming whiners. This band makes me feel as if even though I am a fake pathetic junkie who calls himself a “fake pathetic junkie” as a means of self-absorbed narcissism, I can still have a reason to feel all of these weird and intrusive shitthoughts that stream towards my head every day and every night because this band opened that stream. It was a huge volume of miserable shit that needed to have some kind of opening in general before it overtakes my perception and my world and when I cannot hold it in it will explode and I can no longer be my dynamic self I can only feel the bad things. Alexisonfire makes me feel good, they don’t make me feel happy, but when I feel miserable, I’ll turn them on because instead of feeling miserably sad, I feel happily miserable. I play Alexisonfire because they make me genuine. I can only think as me, not as me who wants to become a version of me that is not genuine and is not dynamic, not as me who is dynamically dull and miserable, but as just the me that I feel confident about. I feel confident about myself, my real self, as the harmonic aggressive angry riff plays on track 10 or the death growls on track 8 or the breakdown on track 4 or Wade McNeil‘s occasional wails on the more aggressive songs on here, I feel a sense of confidence that gives me the driver to wake up tomorrow and start the cycle all over again, with no particular end in sight.

I wanna have a knife fight with my own self wearing a catholic school uniform too! That sounds really fun, honestly.